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By Sara Thuppayath
There is an age-old saying called the ‘Golden Rule’: “Do unto others as you would have them do you.”
The Golden Rule is also the heart of respectful parenting. If we want children to respect their parents, parents must first learn to respect their children.
Acknowledge all emotions
A respectful parent acknowledges and allows all emotions. Emotional regulation is not something humans are born with. So, children require their caregivers’ help to understand and manage their emotions. One of the most important tasks a parent has is to recognize and label emotions: for example, ‘You have a big smile, you must be happy to see your sister‘ or ‘You are crying, you must be sad because you cannot play with the dog now’. Parents can help them understand how bodies react to various emotions: ‘You look nervous, do you feel your heart racing?‘ Parents can also train children to express and manage emotions healthily like suggesting they ask for a hug when they feel sad. A respectful parent does not try to avoid, fix or distract any emotion.
Parents, try to put yourself in your little one’s shoes; understand that their brains are still developing and are unable to understand their own emotions, so we adults need to listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Once they feel heard and understood, they will have more energy to deal with their feelings. Allowing all emotions may be hard to do sometimes because even as adults we might still try to run away from our emotions. So, do not forget to accept your own emotions so you can learn to accept theirs.
Work Together
Now that you have acknowledged your child’s emotions and empathized with them, you are starting to build a connection necessary for a strong team that includes you and your child. Working together is an important principle in respectful parenting. For instance, when engaging in caregiving activities like changing their clothes, you can first talk to your child about what you are going to do and then invite them to actively participate in it. When in a disagreement, you can teach your child how to handle a situation in a well-mannered way that considers everyone’s feelings. This requires parents to work with the children, not against them.
Do you know the one thing that empowers children the most? Knowing that their opinions matter. As an adult, that is something we can understand. To empower children in this way, work with them by involving them in family decisions; though this is not always possible, try starting small.
Encourage autonomy
Children thrive in caring and supportive relationships, but we should encourage and nurture autonomy. One constructive way to do this is by allowing independent self-directed play without adult intervention. Another way is to allow children to problem-solve and not intervene too quickly. Instead, our role is to foster critical thinking by asking questions like ‘What is the problem?‘ or ‘What are you going to do about it?‘. Without letting them into extreme danger, allow small mishaps or consequences so that they can learn and solve problems. When they do something well, be cautious not to depend on extrinsic motivation. Instead, foster intrinsic motivation, ‘I can see you put a lot of effort into that drawing, do you feel proud?‘
Say ‘No’ only when it matters
To be clear, respectful parenting does not entail saying ‘yes’ to everything like permissive parenting might nor does it insist on micromanaging our children’s lives like in authoritarian parenting. Respectful parenting is a middle ground; unlike permissive parenting, we do have boundaries and unlike authoritarian parenting, boundaries in this middle ground are purposeful, consistent limits which are well-explained, fair and accepted by everyone.
Traditional discipline controls and punishes behaviour. Respectful parenting does not encourage the removal of items or time-outs. We only say ‘no’ when it matters. For example, if you want to address your child not following screen-time rules, taking their toy away is an indirect, irrelevant punishment making it ineffective. A more appropriate and direct consequence of screen-time rule-breaking would be to take the device away from the child. Time-outs are used to counteract negative emotions. When children face negative emotions, they tend to act out in the only way they know how and in moments like these, time away from you is the last thing that is good for them. Instead, practice time-ins. Here, we stay with the child until they have calmed down and then talk to them. In respectful behavior, while we do not put limits on emotions, we do put limits on behaviour while showing empathy for their feelings and understanding the causes behind their misbehavior before helping them overcome negative feelings.
Lead by example
There is a quote by Clarence B. Kelland that might give you one more insight into respectful parenting: “My father didn’t teach me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it“. Remember, no matter who your child’s favourite animated character or superhero is, you will always be their biggest role model. Unconsciously, they are always watching you and learning from you. So, parents, you have to demonstrate the qualities you wish to see in your children. For example, instead of trying to stir up the magic words from them, you should first consistently say ‘Thank you’ and ‘Please’. Your child will gradually copy that.
Finally, the great thing about respectful parenting is that children learn the importance of respect and will learn to be respectful towards others. Since every family is different, you might have to tailor and tweak this form of parenting to fit your family’s needs but never twist the goal – mutual respect between you and the child. And since respectful parenting is centered on mutual respect and treating your child as an equal, this form of parenting can start at any age – it is never too late. When all else fails, and you are wondering what a respectful parent would do in a troublesome parenting situation you might be in, ask yourself this question:
How would you want to be treated?
